RELAX…it’s only a remix

It’s probably my age, but i’m still adding to my collection of vinyl. Just last weekend I picked up an almost complete collection of Altered Images 12 inch singles, all in great condition, and I was well chuffed.

I’m still adding to my Frankie Goes To Hollywood collection. There are just a handful of discs I need but I’m going to have to work hard to find them, I won’t get them at a car boot sale, and even then a couple are well outside my price range. More about that later, but what I will say now is that ZTT records certainly made things interesting for the record collector.

7

7″ & 7″ picture disc

First there’s the 7” versions. There’s a few of them…the standard 7” and the picture disc 7” (did you know that if you have ‘relax’ on a compilation CD it won’t be the 7” mix, it’ll probably be the album version, which is slightly different). Then there’s the limited edition ‘last seven inches’ white label…both of them! One is a mis-pressing with ‘Ferry ‘cross the Mersey’ wrongly listed as the ‘B’ side and with A & B labels actually the wrong way round. The other is correctly pressed with ‘One September Monday’ on the reverse. Other ‘variations’ are available! I had to get a US copy of Relax with alternative chequerboard sleeve and slightly different mix to the standard UK 7” too…

American 7

American 7″ pressing

'The Last Seven Inches' x2

‘The Last Seven Inches’ x2

If you have a smashing 12” copy of the ‘sex mix’ then the chances are you don’t actually have the ‘sex mix’. I went through this is in ‘Is That The 12” Mix’. The original 16 minute sex mix was mastered at 33rpm and had the cat no ‘12 ZTAS 1’. However, upon criticism that it was too long, an edited 8 minute version was then put out…at 45rpm in the same ‘sex mix’ sleeve and with the cat. no ‘12 ZTAS 1’. This didn’t appease the critics so Trevor Horn put out a new 7 minute plus mix…again with the same sleeve and cat.no – this is actually known as the US Mix or New York Mix and is the one that sold in 90% of cases. You can tell which mix you have by looking at the matrix number in the run out grooves. 1A-4U (or 1A-5U) is the US Mix which is pretty standard. But 1A-1U is the original sex mix and A-2U / 12-IS-ZTAS-1 the 8.20 mix. All are pictured apart from the original 33rpm pressing as I still need that. There’s also a 12″ picture disc that contains the US Mix…

I hope you’re keeping up because it gets a little tricker. ZTT records then decided to confuse everybody by reissuing the 16 minute sex mix at 45rpm but with ‘original mix’ written in big letters on the inner label (there was no picture sleeve for this pressing)…and if you’ve got a German 12” and the label indicates it is the 8.20 mix then it could be the US/New York Mix (as mine does) instead as there are several pressings emanating from there too. One thing ALL the UK 12″ versions have in common is the instrumental mix of Relax (with an acapella start) on the B side along with Ferry ‘cross the Mersey.

Twelve Inches of Pleasure

Twelve Inches of Pleasure

A couple of years ago Salvo music reissued a new 12” of Relax featuring a new ‘sex mix edition 3’ – it has a purple lettering rather than the standard peachy colour. It is open to debate whether this is a ‘new’ mix or one that had remained in the ZTT archives waiting to be discovered for the best part of three decades.

There’s a cassette single too….containing the ‘greatest bits’. This is a type of megamix which incorporates the best of all the Relax mixes. This ,along with every other mix has appeared on one of the many recent CD releases that Salvo music have put out since acquiring the rights to the ZTT back catalogue.

'Cassingles'

‘Cassingles’

I might add that I always have a budget. I never spend more than £10 (including postage!) for a record, which is why the single sided ‘Warp mix’ of Relax is out of reach as it tends to go for upwards of £50. As it’s virtually the same as the ‘last seven inches’ version I won’t lose any sleep over that. There’s also a ‘Greek Disco Mix’, released only in Greece which is a cut and paste mix using bits of the 16 minute mix and 7” mix – this too goes for a fortune. The other I still need is the original sex mix pressing at 33rpm (mentioned above) ..not that rare a pressing but all of them advertised on discogs are actually the 45rpm version. Remember the key is that matrix number etched into the run-off grooves..in this case it has to be 1 A-1U.. I’ll have it if you have it for sale please.

ZTT decided not to confuse all of us who liked Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s Relax 1984 follow-up TWO TRIBES. They didn’t need to replace any mixes in order to get the song noticed, simply because FGTH HAD been noticed by now – but they did issue their second consecutive number one in a large number of formats in the UK.

Two tribes 7

Two tribes 7″ & 7″ picture disc

There’s the standard 7” version, although amazingly that original mix (‘cowboys & indians’) is virtually unobtainable on CD. The 7” picture disc is a slightly different mix (‘we don’t want to die’) as is the American pressing (which I don’t actually have) which is the same as the album version (‘for the victims of ravishment’)

The 12” mixes are easily recognisable. The standard 12” with Lenin on the cover is the ‘annihilation mix’. The second, released a few weeks later, is the ‘carnage mix’. Both have an extra track, War , on the B side as well as an alternative version of Two Tribes (‘surrender’).. A third twelve inch version featured the ‘carnage’ mix on the B side with a remix of War (‘hidden’ mix) on the A side instead. War was not available on the 7” versions despite being classed as the double-A side in the UK.

DCIM100MEDIA

‘annihilation’ 12″

'carnage' 12

‘carnage’ 12″

A fourth UK 12” was the picture disc, which had the same tracks as the third release before a final fifth disc -featuring the ‘Hibakusha’ mix of Two tribes, with War back on the B side . There was no picture sleeve for this one and for many years was considered a ‘rare’ disc.

I do have a sixth 12” disc – a rare promo copy that features the ‘carnage mix’ on side A and the (correctly-titled) US mix of Relax on the reverse.

'War (hidden)' & picture disc 12

‘War (hidden)’ & picture disc 12″ singles

'hibakusha' & 'carnage promo' 12

‘hibakusha’ & ‘carnage promo’ 12″ singles

The cassette single of Two Tribes is similar in format to that of ‘Relax’, pasting together bits of various mixes of the track.

I will keep collecting Frankie Goes to Hollywood releases. Unfortunately there are others 80s acts i’ll also keep collecting. Needless to say, I have an understanding partner & younger brother who is just as insane…his blog is at http://thefreeeps.blogspot.co.uk/

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A PILGRIMAGE TO BERWICK STREET, SOHO

When I were a lad, I was a bit of a fan of popular music. Of course I still am. The cheesier the better – i’m no music snob. I had a particular affinity with HI-NRG dance music, and in particular with anything released on Record Shack records, which was located at number 12 Berwick Street, London.  Pride of place in my vinyl collection was the double album ‘Record Shack Presents volume 1’, which contains classic tunes from the likes of Miquel Brown, Evelyn Thomas, Eartha Kitt and Break Machine (I really couldn’t break-dance though). Each side was sequed by Ian Levine, who produced the majority of the label’s releases. Imagine my delight when I discovered volume 2 and then volume 3..sheer bliss. I also owned a growing collection of 12″ singles from the label, many of which featured on those compilation albums.

xxxxx2 xxxxx3 xxxxx

In the mid 1980s I wanted to visit the Record Shack store. I wanted to meet the owners, I wanted to meet Ian Levine, and I wanted to meet all the artists that they recorded. I just wanted to stand in there and browse the racks to see, in the flesh, many of those releases I  could only read about in the pages of Record Mirror magazine, and see going up and down the magazine’s HI-NRG chart. Bradford and Leeds had their fair share of record stores but they didn’t sell the more obscure releases – Record Shack sold every single HI-NRG record that was ever released (or so I imagined) so I had to go.

My girlfriends never really understood why I bought records such as ‘So Many Men, So Little Time’, and ‘I Love Men’. Nobody would give a damn on Berwick Street.

Alas, by the time I’d graduated to University in the midlands, and at last got the chance to visit the big smoke, the store was gone. Record Shack was gone. I was a year too late in 1988. I knew the label had gone bust, and that the store had been leased to Bluebird records (another record store at least) but I charged down Berwick Street stridently, ignoring the masses, the market sellers, and the friends I’d gone to visit the capital with. I had to see 12 Berwick Street for myself.

I didn’t buy anything that day. But I did go inside. It wasn’t Record Shack, but it had been. I didn’t tell anyone why I had gone there, because they would never have understood, or cared. It remains one of my few regrets in life that I never got there when I wanted to, but to a Yorkshire lad with no money a visit to London was a rare experience.

It’s far easier these days. I try not to go, as I find the place so unfriendly, but I was there last weekend to see Bradford City annihilate Chelsea. When I am there, in and around Oxford Street, I always make that short detour down Berwick Street to remember those early days when I discovered music and formed my own tastes. It’s not even a record store any more. Most of the record stores that lined that street are also gone, as have times changed (Sister Ray survives, I always like to nip in there). But I was there again. Nobody knew (or cared) what my motives were. I took a photo or two, turned round, and headed back for ther tube. I didn’t want to miss kick off…

It’s only banter, mate…

Evidently Aaron Mclean is ‘sh@t’. He’s currently on loan at Peterborough United (for whom he once scored 33 goals in one season) as he just isn’t doing the business at his current club, Bradford City. You have to question the sanity of the Football League managers who rely on players week in week out, who are so poor, when everyone who doesn’t manage a Football League team, and has played only Sunday League (lower division) football know that they are ‘sh@t’.

James Hanson used to work at the local co-op. Bradford City fans are proud of their local-local-lad-cum-hero, whose goals helped them earn promotion from the fourth tier of football, as well as thrust the club o worldwide acclaim when they defeated three premier league teams en-route to making a Capital One cup final. And yet, a few weeks ago following injury and the great form of loanee John Stead he found himself on the bench. Suddenly he was ‘sh@t ’too. He must have been because the same experts said he was and how could City’s manager Phil Parkinson not agree with them.

That kind of stuff I find funny, especially as those that say and post stuff like that have no idea of the irony of their posts.

Other things just plainly annoy me, because there are others, admittedly only a minority (although judging by the number of ‘likes’ they get for their posts on facebook may-be less of a minority than you might think) who take it further by then personally abusing the players they feel are ‘cr@p’

mclean

A recent issue of the brilliant City fanzine, ‘The City Gent’ recently carried a letter from a fan who had thought up as many reasons as he could to slate, ridicule and personally abuse Aaron Mclean (all in the name of ‘banter’). Of course it said more about the writer of the article than it did the player he was writing about, but I’m pleased that I wasn’t the only person to complain about the article. Mike, the fanzine editor, is a fantastic bloke who would never have agreed with the content itself, and he was well within his rights to print the ‘article’ as it was one man’s personal opinion, but had a similar letter been written about the writer himself that same man would have been splitting blood. And what would the player himself, or his family, have thought had he read it (would he have tracked the guy down and told him he was on his way to sort him out as boxer Curtis Woodhouse so famously managed to do after being the victim of a twitter troll). It hasn’t worked out for Mclean at Bradford, but I’m not going to write a load of personal tripe about him.

James Hanson’s family read the media. They also read the recent personal abuse directed at him on City’s facebook fan page. Luckily it is moderated adequately and the offensive piece was quickly removed, but not before the damage had been done and the player’s mother was forced to post a quite irate response to the abuse. She was obviously upset and did make the point that she had no problems who criticised his football, but why should he be personally abused by people who have never actually met him.

Within 48 hours someone else was being treated to the same by the same postees, and no, I’m not to repeat any of the personal insults I refer to above.

Personal insults aren’t anything new of course. Over a decade ago I was unlucky enought to be sat behind a ‘football fan’ who decided to shout out ‘You’re wife’s a sl&g’ to David Beckham when the player came over to take a throw-in. The player ignored him, so he shouted it again. When taken to task by someone sat behind him, his excuse was ‘It’s only Banter, mate’.

Beckham way back in 1996

Beckham way back in 1996

To which the reply was, ‘No it isn’t, if I walked up to you and said your wife was a ‘sl&g’ you would deck me’, He still didn’t get the point.

There’s nothing wrong with stating your opinion and having your say, having a moan at a player, either on your own team or the opposition. They might be playing poorly, but they’re hardly ‘sh@t’, they play in the Football/Premier League after all, and surely they don’t deserve the level of personal abuse that some people seem to enjoy handing out.

(NB…Fleetwood Town must be really really ‘sh@t’ if James Hanson managed to score against them on his return to the team)

THE MISSING CHAPTER…

This is the chapter that didn’t make it to the final draft of ‘anoraknophobia’. An abridged version was also jettisoned from ‘Is That The 12″ Mix’ too. But here it is (slightly reduced in length)…all about people with ‘alternative’ hobbies

PEOPLE DO THE STRANGEST THINGS

            We all know somebody who likes to do something that is maybe a little different from the norm.

There are those who find it particularly hard to comprehend why I would enjoy taking part in a 62 mile trek called the ‘Fellsman Hike’ across the Yorkshire Dales, taking in not only some of the region’s highest peaks, but also some of the roughest, most uncompromising terrain outside of the Lake District. The weather can be so bad that your anorak becomes you best friend.

There are of course much longer ultra-running events around the globe, but this type of event is not the only one to severally test ones resolve, and indeed there are others that one could claim could only be competed for by either the utterly insane or the really geeky. There is an annual race in downtown Boston, USA where up to 500 participants climb up the 82 flights of stairs in the Mellon Financial Center to help raise money for the American Lung Association. At least is about saving lives rather than taking them. The New York Road Runners club organise a similar event, not on the road but up the city’s Empire State Building. Competitors race up the 1575 stairs of the building, from the lobby to the 86th floor, and even if the famous skyscraper has now relinquished its title as ‘tallest building in the world’, the event remains a gruelling trial. A gentleman by the name of Paul Crake holds the current men’s record of nine minutes and 33 seconds! Ones friends and colleagues really would be labelling you as certifiable should you save your spare cash in order to book a flight out there to take part.

This is not the place to discuss the merits of Extreme Ironing, Volcano Bagging or Elevator Surfing – even if, as many claim, they should be classed as sporting events. There has been a range of publications produced over the past few years dedicated to these pastimes of the utterly obsessive so I will leave them here. There are just one or two that maybe should be introduced to you though, and here I leave you in the hands of another long-time friend of mine.

When one is searching for a definitive record of the conesilliest, most dementedly eccentric hobbies and leisure pursuits it is often prudent to seek out the local historian. Jim Pressley is a local historian. He is known to most of us who seek ancient documentation from the annals of Keighley’s past, and has been found seated alongside me on more than one occasion in our local reference library, searching those ancient records for hours on end. Now he has met some people in his time, others he has just heard about.

‘ I once saw a thing on the television about a man who collected road cones’ he muses ‘the red ones. Apparently there are different sorts. He had hundreds of them and was missing one specific cone which he appealed for people to donate. I wanted him to be charged with theft and crimes against humanity. I did try to die during the programme as it seemed to be the only solution to the futility of life.’

Start digging a little deeper and you will find that Pressley isn’t wrong. According to the Guinness World Records website that very gentleman enjoys a collection of 137 said items, roughly one third of all types of roadside cone ever made. That’s three less than the average student has stashed away under his bed.

There is no stopping my former classmate once he has started;

‘I also once saw a display in Lancaster museum from someone who collected compliments slips. Life at the cutting edge.

            I also came across a sport called Mole Mooting but never quite worked out what it was. I think it involved sitting over a mole hill till the mole appeared and then bashing it with a stick. Seemed very dull as I have been around for 37 years and never seen a mole coming out of mole hill. Seems a long wait for a short reward.

            Bat Fowling sounds like a daft sport but it is not as silly as the name suggests. There is even the Bat fowlers jig. There are lots of stupid hunting sports such as animal tossing- you put an animal in a net and throw it in the air till it dies. I think weasels were common, rather than lions and rhinos’.

I would agree with Jim when he says that historically, if it involves the inflicting of pain on an animal in a stupid but safe way, then you can bet it has been labelled as sport. Surely you have to be at least a bit of an anorak to partake in any of these ‘activities’.

There are other eccentric sports around, but the assumption that only an anorak would take part in them is probably not a correct one to make. Non-anoraks do them too. ‘Haggis Hurling’, ‘Wellie Wangling’ and ‘Cheese Rolling’ are comical events, a fair amount of alcohol passing the lips of more than a few of those participating, and quite often take place on bank holidays or other festivals. They are festivals for the common man, and particularly the beer-swiller. The antipodeans are similarly inclined towards these ‘fun’ rather than ‘geeky’ sports – Nude Olympics (for obvious reasons this could never be ‘huge’ in Britain), Giant Plastic Platypus Throwing, and Cane Toad Racing among them.

Back in the world of the genuine anorak, there are ‘Drain Spotters’. No manhole cover is safe. Each and every one of these has a unique serial number and from this it is possible to trace back its year and origin of manufacture. Others prefer to take images of their designs, there are some pretty extravagantly designed ones around the world, and ‘drain-oraks’ will happily engage in conversation on the array of functional and ornamental designs that one could come across. I suppose drain spotting serves a similar purpose to that of ‘groundhopping’.drain

While researching a few of the more inane sports and pastimes on offer, I stumbled across the art of the computer generated sports game. Professional computer generated sports games, just for the guy who really is happy to spend all day in front of the screen playing with himself. The ‘Cyberathlete Professional League’ (CPL) was formed in 1997 and is the official association of preofessional video game players. There are tournaments held in most continents, prize money is measured in millions of dollars and there are multi-national corporations queuing up to sponsor the events. The CPL’s primary aim is to make the art of computer gaming a viable competitive and spectator event. Hold on, did I read spectator event? There are people who pay to watch these events too?

The CPL is no half-baked invention. Its terms and conditions have just been revised in order to cater for the necessary and appropriate need for drug testing in the sport. Cybercheats! Whatever next?

2001 saw the introduction of a spinoff, the ‘Cyberathlete Amateur League’, a free online gaming tournament which boasts 25 different games in 60 divisions, and more than half a million registered players. It too has devised an anti-cheat system and in addition to a regular season can offer pre-season competitions and end-of-season play offs. As yet I have been unable to locate any competition anywhere on the planet that has been designed solely for the average British statto like myself, but watch this space.

Without having actually met any of the competitors in the aforementioned competitions, I cannot say too much about the individuals who take part in them, but we have all met those whom we find a little more irritating that the average geek.

Even in the world of soccer there are occasions when you wonder whether the local statto is merely a geek or is really demented. Any groundhopper or statto would be happy to tell you he is visiting the home of Arsenal FC, or even Stevenage Borough or New Mills football clubs, but would he be as willing to announce that tomorrow morning he is making the journey to Scotland, to the home of Glenbuck Cherrypickers. The great Bill Shankly may have started his rise to the top there, but you have to be pretty clued up to know that this team ever existed, and maybe a little insane to follow them week-in week-out. In my part of the world, there have been the oddly named Norristhorpe Nibs, Deanhousemuir and Patrington Stanley football clubs over the years, although I have never met anyone who would freely admit to having followed their fortunes week after week.

Similarly, the Australian town of Vincentia, south of Sydney has a rugby team called the ‘Vincentia Van Gogh’s’, and have as their logo a severed ear! The same nation also has the Bomaderry Dromedaries football team, and the Mongolian Basketball league is reputed to have a team called ‘11+1’. Evidently this represents Jesus and eleven of his disciples, excluding Judas.

My favourite team name is that of are the hilariously titled Old Fallopians, a moniker used originally by a ladies football team before the Women’s’ Football Association lost their sense of humour and forced them to rename themselves Camberwell WFC. A London cricket team also uses this same title. I wonder if you have to use the tubes to get there. How many international groundhoppers would just love to announce to their wives that they were just off to ‘Wankdorf’, the home of Switzerland’s Young Boys FC.

There are many strange people out there, but there are very few, if any, impostors. Now the advantage of living in the world of the obsessive is that this is not the type of thing where certain individuals would want to jump on the bandwagon. There are very few fake anoraks.

Nobody pretends to be a train spotter and to my knowledge there have been no false claims of having collected an inordinate collection of barf bags. Who after all would want to make these claims unless they really had done this type of strange thing. If you are wanting young virgins to throw their underwear in your direction then you are in the wrong place. Claiming to have an irregularly large member might do the trick, but your collection of traffic cones is most definitely out of the question.

If there was to be a strangely god forsaken person who wanted to ‘get in on the act’ in the world of the groundhopper or football statistician they would be ‘outed’ almost at once. He would be completely unaware of the ‘lingo’, and plainly unable to make a reasonable input into the vast array of specialised information on offer to the initiated on the day. You have to remember that an anorak will more than happily jump on even the slightest of inaccuracies, and will not let it go until his point has been well and truly exhausted.

There may be incompetent anoraks out there, as well as arrogant ones, as there is in any profession and pastime, but I have never in all my years of watching minor league football suffered the experience of being sought out by an unruly individual hell bent on proving himself to all and sundry in the world of tremendously interesting fact finding. I have met up with several of those who I know to be equally as obsessive as I am, but thankfully never anyone hoping to improve his street credibility by sharing in such engaging conversation.

A genuine anorak will spot the fake. We should be recognised for more often for this gift. But the world of the imposter and the anorak are closely related.

Graham Souness should have consulted his local anoraks down on the South coast when he was in charge at Southampton FC in November 1996. It would have given himself and his club an awful lot less reason to endure their red faces. The club took a telephone call purportedly from Liberian international and World Footballer of the Year George Weah, who recommended that they gave his good friend Ali Diah a trial. Little did they know that the gentleman on the other end of the line was in fact not Weah himself but Diah’s agent, and that this supposedly fine sportsman was in reality a particularly poor football player. It was all a con. Somehow Diah managed to get on the bench for a league match against Leeds United – came on as substitute, was promptly withdrawn – not before making an ass of himself and Southampton Football Club – and little was ever heard of him again. Rumour has it that this Senegalese gentleman returned to the slightly lower surroundings of the non-league game in the north-east of England. Before returning to obscurity, he was purported as saying;

“I’ve been made to look a con man. It’s just not true. I do know George Weah, but I’m certainly not his best mate. I employed an agent when I came to England and he is the con man. He must have been calling all these clubs pretending to be George.”

Now any football statistician would have been able to see right through this right from the start. Had Souness et al at Southampton announced Diah’s imminent appearance beforehand someone would have pointed out that things were not quite as they seemed. How he managed to get himself on the substitutes list for that game is equally as startling – had they not taken a look at him first? Mind you, those of us who witnessed Bradford City’s two glorious Premiership seasons would possibly argue that Bruno Rodriguez and Jorge Cadete were just as poor, if not downright worse, than Diah. But at least they had pedigree and had proved themselves in the years prior to their brief stints at Valley Parade, even if they only lasted just a little longer at the club than the guy from Senegal did on the South coast.

There are the obvious name-droppers, who pretend to be friends with famous people. Geeks are not known for being gullible either. In the first place, they could probably make a far more convincing attempt at doing this than the name-dropper ever could.

The fake is not just confined to the imposter or the name-dropper however. There is a plethora of fake sporting goods on ebay and practically every other on-line auction site. Whether it be tickets, shirts, memorabilia or autographs there are people out there selling not so honest items to an unsuspecting public. But the anorak knows best. For example, very few of us with unhealthy obsessions for seeking the truth about practically everything related to sport will be fooled by the fake Italian football shirts we could all so easily get hold of.

For a start, only a real idiot would be taken in by the low prices they are offered at – you just need a little bit of common sense for that, but there are also full prices fakes out there too. With any AS Roma shirt you should always check that they are 92% polyester and 8% elastine or 88% polyester and 12% elastine. Never be fooled by the 100% polyester shirt, especially if it is ‘super fine quality polyester’. Polyester is polyester, it is all the same. Every anorak should know that.

A SELECTION OF REALLY GOOD MUSIC BOOKS

ROB GRILLO 'The anorak'

A selection of music books you really do need to go out and buy if you a lover of music (80s and disco music in particular). They are in no particular order, and even if they occasionally contain viewpoints I might not wholeheartedly agree with, or may contain the odd error, they are all essential reading, written by those in a good position from which to describe, explain or simply tell a story. Please feel free to add your own preferences in the ‘comments’ section.

yeahYEAH YEAH YEAH – THE STORY OF MODERN POP, Bob Stanley, 2013
If you want a place to start then it’s all here – every genre, every decade, and every big star featured in one huge volume of not far under 800 pages. This is one hell of a read, and perhaps requires a good prior understanding of the subject matter but is expertly written…

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HI-NRG…addendum…another couple of random charts

The previous post regarding old Record Mirror HI-NRG charts proved popular, so an extra bonus..two more to bring back those memories. The first, a ‘year-end’ 1984 chart illustrates Record Shack & particularly Ian Levine’s domination of the chart. The random chart from June 1986 shows how things had changed. Record Shack was on its last legs, Levine had jumped ship and was preparing to launch his own Nightmare Label (hence Eastbound Expressway appearing on Passion Records), and Stock, Aitken, Waterman were on their way to world domination. By ’86 the sound was well and truly mainstream, reflected in the number of ‘major’ labels that had entries in the latter chart.

RECORD MIRROR 1984 YEAR END HI-HRG CHART Artist Label
1 HIGH ENERGY Evelyn Thomas Record Shack 12″
2 IN THE EVENING Sheryl Lee Ralph US Music Company12″
3 CAUGHT IN THE ACT Earlene Bentley Record Shack 12″
4 I’M LIVING MY OWN LIFE Earlene Bentley Record Shack 12″
5 COUNTDOWN (HERE I COME) Kofi & The Lovetones Electricity 12″
6 ALL AMERICAN BOY Barbara Pennington Record Shack 12″
7 YOU THINK YOU’RE A MAN Divine Proto 12″
8 ROCKET TO YOUR HEART Lisa Carrere 12″
9 BLACK LEATHER Miquel Brown Record Shack 12″
10 COMING OUT OF HIDING Pamala Stanley Casablanca 12″
11 HE’S A SAINT, HE’S A SINNER Miquel Brown Record Shack 12″
12 I HEAR THUNDER Seventh Avenue Record Shack 12″
13 SECOND BEST Evelyn Thomas Record Shack 12″
14 FRANTIC LOVE Eastbound Expressway Record Shack 12″
15 MASQUERADE Evelyn Thomas Record Shack 12″
16 NOTHING WORSE THAN BEING ALONE Velvette Electricity 12″
17 EMERGENCY Laura Pallas Record Shack 12″
18 EVERGREEN / JEALOUS LOVE Haell Dean Proto 12″
19 I’M GONNA LOVE YOU FOREVER Jackson Moore & Jimmy Ruffin ERC 12″
20 FALSE ALARM Marsha Raven Passion 12″
21 WHEN YOU WALK IN THE ROOM Ramming Speed Proto 12″
22 JUMP (FOR MY LOVE) Pointer Sisters Planet 12″
23 INVITATION Life Force Polo 12″
24 YOU’RE A WINNER Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
25 DON’T BEAT ABOUT THE BUSH Hot Gossip Fanfare 12″
26 THE NEXT IN LINE Eric Roberts Electricity 12″
27 HIM Simone Electricity 12″
28 BREAK ME INTO LITTLE PIECES Hot Gossip Fanfare 12″
29 DOCTORS ORDERS (COUGH COUGH) Maegan Savoire Faire 12″
30 DESIRE Paul Parker Technique 12″
tw lw RECORD MIRROR EUROBEAT CHART   14/6/86 Artist Label
1 1 REFLEX ACTION Louise Thomas R&B 12″
2 8 CAN’T LIVE Suzy Q Belgian ARS 12″
3 3 IN THE HEAT OF A PASSIONATE MOMENT Princess Supreme LP
4 2 RUNNING AWAY FROM LOVE Astaire Passion LP bonus 12″
5 10 MALE STRIPPER Man 2 Man Meet Man Parrish US Recca 12″
6 7 VENUS (HELLFIRE MIX) Bananarama London 12″
7 5 OH L’AMOUR (REMIX)/ GIMME GIMME GIMME Erasure Mute 12″
8 4 YOU’RE GONNA BE MINE Novo Band German Ariola 12″
9 17 HOW MANY HEARTS Evelyn Thomas Record Shack 12″
10 12 ANGEL IN MY POCKET One To One German Ariola LP
11 9 ANOTHER DAY COMES ANOTHER DAY GOES (NIGHTMARE MIX) Kiki Dee Columbia 12″
12 NEW BEGINNING Bucks Fizz Polydor 12″
13 16 AMERICAN LOVE Rose Laurens German WEA 12″
14 CITY NIGHTS MANHATTAN CAFES Cory Daye US Blue Chip 12″
15 6 I’M YOUR MAN (REMIX) Barry Manilow RCA 12″
16 11 AGAIN Do Piano French EMI 12″
17 15 THIRD TIME LUCKY Pearly Gates Funkin’ Marvellous 12″
18 13 HANDS UP Kelly Marie Passion 12″ w/l
19 I’M YOUR LOVE Joe Yellow Italian Power 12″
20 THE REAL THING Tom Robinson RCA 12″ w/l
21 27 BAND OF GOLD Bonnie Tyler CBS 12″
22 14 YOU’RE A BEAT Eastbound Expressway Passion 12″
23 21 SHY SHY SUGARMAN Jack’s Project German Ariola 12″
24 26 I LOVE MY RADIO (MIDNIGHT RADIO) (US REMIX) Taffy US Emergency 12″
25 COME BACK TO ME Prototype German ZYX 12″
26 RE ONCE MORE Taffy Italian Ibiza 12″
27 19 HUMANOID INVASION Laser Dance Dutch Hot Sound 12″
28 18 DISENCHANTED The Communards London 12″
29 HURTS Boytronic German Mercury 12″
30 RE IF THE LOVE FITS Lewis Riva 12″

HI-NRG CHARTS REDISCOVERED

I’ve just come across a load of Hi-NRG charts from 1982. They were published in Record Mirror, and compiled from DJ returns, originally as the ‘gay & ‘boystown’ chart, although you didn’t have to be gay to appreciate the songs that were listed. A year or so later Hi-NRG came of age through labels like Record Shack (thanks to Ian Levine), Electricity, Proto and Passion in the UK, Megatone in the US and ZYX & Metronome in Germany. This was the music I collected for years, and much later wrote about in ‘Is That The 12″ Mix’. Who knows, I might eventually get around to 1983, 84 and 85, given that I have all the copies of Record Mirror handy.

RECORD MIRROR 1982

TM LM September 4th 1982 GAY TOP 20
1 3 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley US Megatone 12″
2 1 CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU Boystown Gang ERC 12″/promo mix
3 6 WALKIN’/ROCKIN’ ON SUNSHINE Rockers Revenge London 12″
4 2 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
5 4 LOVE PAINS Yvonne Elliman US Moby Dick 12″
6 5 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
7 7 BABE WE’RE GONNA LOVE TONIGHT / WAKE DREAM Lime US Prism 12″ /German Polydor LP
8 12 GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE MORE TIME Angela Clemmons Portrait 12″
9 16 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
10 13 GLORIA Laura Branigan Atlantic 12″
11 10 STOOL PIGEON Kid Creole & The Coconuts Ze 12″
12 18 BIG FUN Kool & The Gang De-Lite 12″
13 9 RAIN Goombay Dance Band Epic 12″ promo / US Portrait 12″ remix
14 14 DON’T COME CRYING TO ME Linda Clifford US Capitol 12″
15 20 LOVE IS IN CONTROL Donna Summer Warner Bros 12″
16 PLANET ROCK Soul Sonic Force 21 Records 12″
17 WHAT Soft Cell Some Bizarre 12″
18 REMEMBER Gino Soccio US Atlantic RFC LP
19 17 STONED LOVE Sweet Brandy Canadian JC 12″
20 SITUATION (REMIX) Yazoo US Sire 12″
TW LW September 11th 1982 GAY TOP 20
1 1 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
2 2 CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU Boystown Gang ERC 12″/promo mix
3 6 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
4 4 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
5 3 WALKIN’/ROCKIN’ ON SUNSHINE Rockers Revenge London 12″
6 9 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
7 5 LOVE PAINS Yvonne Elliman US Moby Dick 12″
8 7 BABE WE’RE GONNA LOVE TONIGHT / WAKE DREAM Lime US Prism 12″ /German Polydor LP
9 10 GLORIA Laura Branigan Atlantic 12″
10 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd US Prelude LP
11 DON’T GO (REMIXES) Yazoo Mute 12″
12 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
13 19 STONED LOVE Sweet Brandy Canadian JC 12″
14 8 GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE MORE TIME Angela Clemmons Portrait 12″
15 LOVE IS JUST A GAME Judy ‘B’ Canadian Formula 12″
16 CHAIN REACTION Romanelli 21 Records 12″
17 THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN / STARLIGHT Risque US Importe 12″
18 JUMP TO IT Aretha Franklin Arista 12″
19 20 SITUATION (DUB VERSION) / (REMIX) Yazoo US Sire 12″
20 I NEED LOVE Capricorn Italian Delirium 12″
no chart September 18th or 25th
TM LM October 2nd 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 1 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
2 3 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
3 5 WALKIN’/ROCKIN’ ON SUNSHINE Rockers Revenge London 12″
4 6 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
5 4 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
6 2 CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU Boystown Gang ERC 12″/LP
7 7 LOVE PAINS Yvonne Elliman US Moby Dick/Dutch Rams Horn 12″
8 10 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
9 HIT N RUN LOVER / HOT WAX / AGENT 406 Mother F Canadian Matra LP
10 20 I NEED LOVE Capricorn Italian Delirium 12″
11 19 SITUATION (DUB VERSION) / (REMIX) Yazoo US Sire 12″
12 11 DON’T GO (REMIXES) Yazoo Mute 12″
13 18 JUMP TO IT Aretha Franklin Arista 12″
14 LOVE COME DOWN Evelyn King RCA 12″
15 AND I AM TELLING YOU I’M NOT GOING Jennifer Holliday Geffen LP
16 HAVE I THE RIGHT Lee Prentiss US Disconet 12″
17 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q US Philly World 12″
18 8 BABE WE’RE GONNA LOVE TONIGHT / WAKE DREAM Lime US Prism 12″ /German Polydor LP
19 DON’T COME CRYING TO ME Linda Clifford US Capitol 12″
20 NEVER GIVE YOU UP Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
21 SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED (I’M YOURS) (REMIX) Boystown Gang ERC 12″
22 12 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
23 15 LOVE IS JUST A GAME Judy ‘B’ Canadian Formula 12″
24 RIGHT ON TARGET / PUSHIN’ TOO HARD Paul Parker US Megatone 12″
25 DANCE FLOOR Zapp Warner Bros 12″
26 X-RATED Carol Jiani Canadian Matra LP
27 ALL NIGHT LONG (REMIX) BB Band US Disconet 12″
28 13 STONED LOVE Sweet Brandy Canadian JC 12″
29 REMEMBER Gino Soccio US Atlantic RFC LP
30 PLANET ROCK Soul Sonic Force 21 Records 12″
TW LW October 9th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 1 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
2 2 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
3 3 WALKIN’/ROCKIN’ ON SUNSHINE Rockers Revenge London 12″
4 4 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
5 11 SITUATION (DUB VERSION) / (REMIX) Yazoo US Sire 12″
6 20 NEVER GIVE YOU UP / BEAT THE STREET (INST/REMIX) Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
7 8 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
8 5 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
9 9 HIT N RUN LOVER / HOT WAX / AGENT 406 Mother F Canadian Matra LP
10 21 SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED (I’M YOURS) (REMIX) Boystown Gang ERC 12″
11 10 I NEED LOVE Capricorn Italian Delirium 12″
12 6 CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU Boystown Gang ERC 12″
13 17 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q US Philly World 12″
14 14 LOVE COME DOWN Evelyn King RCA 12″
15 7 LOVE PAINS Yvonne Elliman US Moby Dick / Dutch Rams Horn 12″
16 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
17 22 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
18 26 X-RATED Carol Jiani Canadian Matra LP
19 24 RIGHT ON TARGET / PUSHIN’ TOO HARD Paul Parker US Megatone 12″
20 18 COME AND GET YOUR LOVE / WAKE DREAM Lime German Polydor LP
21 ASK ME Carol Jiani Excaliber 12″
22 CHAIN REACTION Romanelli 21 Records 12″
23 16 HAVE I THE RIGHT Lee Prentiss US Disconet 12″
24 25 DANCE FLOOR Zapp Warner Bros 12″
25 CHANGES / HEART ‘N SOUL Imagination R&B LP
26 THE LOOK OF LOVE ABC US Disconet 12″
27 23 LOVE IS JUST A GAME Judy ‘B’ Canadian Formula 12″
28 DIRTY TALK Klein & MBO US 25 West Records 12″
29 HEAVENLY TRACKS MIXER Various US Hot Tracks 12″
30 JUST BE YOURSELF (REMIX) Nighlife Unlimited Canadian Unidisc 12″
TW LW October 16th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 1 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
2 2 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
3 4 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
4 3 WALKIN’/ROCKIN’ ON SUNSHINE Rockers Revenge London 12″
5 12 CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU / DISCO KICKS (REMIX) Boystown Gang ERC 12″
6 7 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
7 5 SITUATION (DUB VERSION) / (REMIX) Yazoo US Sire 12″
8 17 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
9 13 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q US Philly World 12″
10 8 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
11 10 SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED (I’M YOURS) (REMIX) Boystown Gang ERC 12″
12 9 HIT N RUN LOVER / HOT WAX / AGENT 406 Mother F Canadian Matra LP
13 14 LOVE COME DOWN Evelyn King RCA 12″
14 11 I NEED LOVE Capricorn Italian Delirium 12″
15 6 NEVER GIVE YOU UP / BEAT THE STREET (INSTRUMENTAL) Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
16 15 LOVE PAINS Yvonne Elliman US Moby Dick / Dutch Rams Horn 12″
17 16 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
18 18 X-RATED Carol Jiani Canadian Matra LP
19 22 CHAIN REACTION Romanelli 21 Records 12″
20 23 HAVE I THE RIGHT Lee Prentiss US Disconet 12″
21 28 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION / USA INST) Klein & MBO US 25 West Records 12″
22 25 HEART ‘N SOUL / CHANGES Imagination R&B LP
23 PACK JAM The Jonzun Crew US Tommy Boy 12″
24 19 RIGHT ON TARGET / PUSHIN’ TOO HARD Paul Parker US Megatone 12″
25 21 ASK ME Carol Jiani Excaliber 12″
26 29 HEAVENLY TRACKS MIXER Various US Hot Tracks 12″
27 REMEMBER Gino Soccio US Atlantic RFC LP
28 LOVE-GRAM Joel Peskin US Destiny Entertainment Corp 12″
29 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
30 YOU SHOULD HEAR HOW HE TALKS ABOUT YOU Melissa Manchester US Arista 12″
TW LW October 23rd 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 1 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
2 3 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
3 2 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
4 4 WALKIN’/ROCKIN’ ON SUNSHINE Rockers Revenge London 12″
5 10 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
6 7 SITUATION (REMIXES) Yazoo US Sire 12″
7 9 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q US Philly World 12″
8 8 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
9 15 NEVER GIVE YOU UP / BEAT THE STREET (INST/REMIX) Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
10 6 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
11 13 LOVE COME DOWN Evelyn King RCA 12″
12 20 HAVE I THE RIGHT Lee Prentiss US Disconet 12″
13 17 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
14 16 LOVE PAINS Yvonne Elliman US Moby Dick / Dutch Rams Horn 12″
15 21 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION) Klein & MBO US 25 West Records 12″
16 12 MOTHER F (VARIOUS) Mother F Canadian Matra LP
17 5 CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU Boystown Gang ERC 12″
18 THERE IT IS Shalamar Solar 12″
19 19 CHAIN REACTION Romanelli 21 Records 12″
20 29 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
21 ANNIE I’M NOT YOUR DADDY Kid Creole & The Coconuts Ze 12″
22 11 SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED (I’M YOURS) / DISCO KICKS (REMIX) Boystown Gang ERC 12″
23 COMPUTER WARS Began Began US One Way 12″
24 CAN’T BELIEVE Nancy Martin US Atlantic RFC 12″
25 KNOCK ME OUT Gary’s Gang US Radar 12″
26 BAD CONNECTION Yazoo Mute LP
27 26 HEAVENLY TRACKS MIXER Various US Hot Tracks 12″
28 LOVE IS JUST A GAME Judy ‘B’ Canadian Formula 12″
29 18 X-RATED Carol Jiani Canadian Matra LP
30 MAKE MY FEET WANNA DANCE Motion Canadian Scorpio 12″
TW LW October 30th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 1 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
2 3 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
3 2 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
4 9 BEAT THE STREET (INST/REMIX) / NEVER GIVE YOU UP Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
5 13 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
6 10 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
7 5 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
8 8 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
9 11 LOVE COME DOWN Evelyn King RCA 12″
10 15 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION / INST) Klein & MBO US 25 West Records 12″
11 20 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
12 6 SITUATION (REMIXES) Yazoo US Sire 12″
13 4 WALKIN’/ROCKIN’ ON SUNSHINE Rockers Revenge London 12″
14 28 LOVE IS JUST A GAME Judy ‘B’ Canadian Formula 12″
15 12 HAVE I THE RIGHT Lee Prentiss US Disconet 12″
16 14 LOVE PAINS Yvonne Elliman US Moby Dick / Dutch Rams Horn 12″
17 17 CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU / DISCO KICKS (REMIX) Boystown Gang ERC 12″
18 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
19 30 MAKE MY FEET WANNA DANCE Motion Canadian Scorpio 12″
20 21 ANNIE I’M NOT YOUR DADDY Kid Creole & The Coconuts Ze 12″
21 DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HURT ME Culture Club Virgin 12″
22 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″
23 DUBBING IN SUNSHINE / SUNSHINE PARTYTIME (RAP) Rockers Revenge US Streetwise 12″
24 16 MOTHER F (VARIOUS) Mother F Canadian Matra LP
25 24 CAN’T BELIEVE Nancy Martin US Atlantic RFC 12″
26 29 X-RATED Carol Jiani Canadian Matra LP
27 25 KNOCK ME OUT Gary’s Gang Arista 12″
28 MASTERPIECE Gazebo Baby 12″
29 JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED Mari Wilson Compact 12″
30 E.T. BOOGIE Extra T’s US Sunnyview 12″
TW LW November 6th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 3 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
2 4 BEAT THE STREET (INST/REMIX) / NEVER GIVE YOU UP Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
3 1 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
4 6 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
5 5 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
6 10 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION / INST) Klein & MBO US 25 West Records 12″
7 8 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
8 2 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
9 22 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″
10 11 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
11 7 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
12 12 SITUATION (REMIXES) Yazoo US Sire 12″
13 18 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
14 19 MAKE MY FEET WANNA DANCE Motion Canadian Scorpio 12″
15 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne US Altair 12″
16 CALLING ALL BOYS / PASSION The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
17 28 MASTERPIECE Gazebo Baby 12″
18 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q US Philly World 12″
19 COME AND GET YOUR LOVE Lime Canadian Matra 12″
20 REMEMBER (REMIX) Gino Soccio Canadian Quality 12″
21 23 DUBBING IN SUNSHINE / SUNSHINE PARTYTIME (RAP) Rockers Revenge US Streetwise 12″
22 HEART ‘N’ SOUL Imagination R&B LP
23 IN AND OUT Willie Hutch Motown 12″
24 27 KNOCK ME OUT Gary’s Gang Arista 12″
25 25 CAN’T BELIEVE Nancy Martin US Atlantic RFC 12″
26 YOU’RE A DANGER Gary Low Italian II Disc 12″
27 HEARTSTROKE Man Parrish US Disconet 12″
28 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
29 WORKOUT / GIVE ME LOVE (REMIX) / CALL ME TONIGHT (REMIX) Cerrone French Malligator LP
30 30 E.T. BOOGIE Extra T’s US Sunnyview 12″
TW LW November 13th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 4 IN THE NAME OF LOVE Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
2 1 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU Bobby O O’ 12″
3 7 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
4 5 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
5 9 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″
6 3 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
7 2 BEAT THE STREET (INSTRUMENTAL) Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
8 6 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION) Klein & MBO US 25 West Records 12″
9 13 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
10 14 MAKE MY FEET WANNA DANCE Motion Canadian Scorpio 12″
11 12 SITUATION (REMIXES) Yazoo US Sire 12″
12 11 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
13 16 CALLING ALL BOYS / PASSION The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
14 20 REMEMBER (REMIX) Gino Soccio Canadian Quality 12″
15 18 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q US Philly World 12″
16 28 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
17 15 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne US Altair 12″
18 8 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
19 17 MASTERPIECE Gazebo Baby 12″
20 23 IN AND OUT Willie Hutch Motown 12″
21 19 COME AND GET YOUR LOVE Lime Canadian Matra 12″
22 30 E.T. BOOGIE Extra T’s US Sunnyview 12″
23 10 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
24 27 HEARTSTROKE Man Parrish US Disconet 12″
25 29 WORKOUT / GIVE ME LOVE (REMIX) / CALL ME TONIGHT (REMIX) Cerrone French Malligator LP
26 26 YOU’RE A DANGER Gary Low Italian II Disc 12″
27 (YOU SAID) YOU’D GIMME SOME MORE KC & The Sunshine Band US Epic 12″
28 THUNDER & LIGHTNING Risque Dutch Polydor 12″
29 EVERYBODY Madonna US Sire 12″
30 UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF LOVE Karin Jones US Handshake 12″
TW LW November 20th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 4 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
2 8 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION) Klein & MBO US 25 West Records 12″
3 7 BEAT THE STREET (INSTRUMENTAL) / NEVER GIVE YOU UP Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
4 2 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU Bobby O O’ 12″
5 17 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne US Altair 12″
6 1 IN THE NAME OF LOVE / REMIX Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
7 6 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
8 16 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
9 13 CALLING ALL BOYS / PASSION The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
10 ANNIE, I’M NOT YOUR DADDY Kid Creole & The Coconuts Ze 12″
11 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
12 19 MASTERPIECE Gazebo Baby 12″
13 9 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
14 DO IT TO THE MUSIC Raw Silk KR 12″
15 20 IN AND OUT Willie Hutch Motown 12″
16 12 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
17 23 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
18 5 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″
19 29 EVERYBODY Madonna US Sire 12″
20 10 MAKE MY FEET WANNA DANCE Motion Canadian Scorpio 12″
21 STATE OF INDEPENDENCE Donna Summer Warner Bros 12″
22 18 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
23 DON’T YOU WANT MY LOVE Vera Canadian Matra 12″
24 15 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ / INSTRUMENTAL Q Philly World 12″
25 SHE HAS A WAY / BEAT BY BEAT Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
26 BOY CRAZY The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
27 26 YOU’RE A DANGER Gary Low Italian II Disc 12″
28 24 HEARTSTROKE Man Parrish US Disconet 12″
29 28 THUNDER & LIGHTNING Risque Dutch Polydor 12″
30 25 WORKOUT / GIVE ME LOVE (REMIX) / CALL ME TONIGHT (REMIX) Cerrone French Malligator LP
TW LW November 27th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 5 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne US Altair 12″
2 1 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls US Columbia 12″
3 2 DIRTY TALK Klein & MBO TMT 12″
4 3 BEAT THE STREET (INSTRUMENTAL) / NEVER GIVE YOU UP Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
5 6 IN THE NAME OF LOVE / REMIX Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
6 8 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
7 4 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O O’ 12″
8 13 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
9 22 PASSION (REMIX) The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
10 9 CALLING ALL BOYS / PASSION The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
11 12 MASTERPIECE Gazebo Baby 12″
12 7 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
13 11 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
14 18 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″
15 20 MAKE MY FEET WANNA DANCE Motion Canadian Scorpio 12″
16 17 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
17 14 DO IT TO THE MUSIC Raw Silk KR 12″
18 21 STATE OF INDEPENDENCE Donna Summer Warner Bros 12″
19 19 EVERYBODY Madonna US Sire 12″
20 10 ANNIE, I’M NOT YOUR DADDY Kid Creole & The Coconuts Ze 12″
21 NIPPLE TO THE BOTTLE Grace Jones Island 12″
22 24 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ / INSTRUMENTAL Q Philly World 12″
23 16 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
24 15 IN AND OUT Willie Hutch Motown 12″
25 MUSCLES Diana Ross Capitol 12″
26 23 DON’T YOU WANT MY LOVE Vera Canadian Matra 12″
27 NASTY GIRL Vanity 6 Warner Bros LP
28 I FEEL LOVE (MEGAMIX) Donna Summer Casablanca 12″
29 25 SHE HAS A WAY / BEAT BY BEAT Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
30 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU Bobby O Canadian Unidisc 12″
TW LW December 4th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 5 IN THE NAME OF LOVE (REMIX) Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
2 1 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne Record Shack 12″
3 2 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls CBS 12″
4 3 DIRTY TALK Klein & MBO TMT 12″
5 8 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
6 6 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
7 4 BEAT THE STREET (INSTRUMENTAL) / NEVER GIVE YOU UP Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
8 10 CALLING ALL BOYS / PASSION The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
9 26 DON’T YOU WANT MY LOVE Vera Canadian Matra 12″
10 13 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
11 14 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″
12 15 MAKE MY FEET WANNA DANCE Motion Canadian Scorpio 12″
13 7 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O O’ 12″
14 24 IN AND OUT Willie Hutch Motown 12″
15 16 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
16 17 DO IT TO THE MUSIC Raw Silk KR 12″
17 20 ANNIE, I’M NOT YOUR DADDY Kid Creole & The Coconuts Ze 12″
18 12 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
19 19 EVERYBODY Madonna US Sire 12″
20 11 MASTERPIECE Gazebo Baby 12″
21 23 I LIKE PLASTIC Marsha ‘Delite’ Raven Red Bus 12″
22 28 I FEEL LOVE (MEGAMIX) Donna Summer Casablanca 12″
23 I WILL FOLLOW HIM / WORK ME OVER Claudja Barry Canadian Lollipop 12″
24 22 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q Philly World 12″
25 THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE Yazoo Mute 12″
26 27 NASTY GIRL / BITE THE BEAT Vanity 6 Warner Bros LP
27 29 SHE HAS A WAY / BEAT BY BEAT Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
28 YOU ARE A DANCER Gary Low Italian II Disc 12″
29 BUFFALO GIRLS / TRAD. SQUARE Malcolm McLaren Charisma 12″
30 30 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU Bobby O Canadian Unidisc 12″
TW LW December 11th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 1 IN THE NAME OF LOVE (REMIX) Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
2 3 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls CBS 12″
3 2 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne Record Shack 12″
4 7 BEAT THE STREET (INSTRUMENTAL) / NEVER GIVE YOU UP Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
5 27 SHE HAS A WAY / BEAT BY BEAT Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
6 6 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
7 13 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU / STILL HOTT 4 U Bobby O O’ 12″
8 11 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″
9 18 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
10 22 I FEEL LOVE (MEGAMIX) Donna Summer Casablanca 12″
11 10 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
12 4 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION / CANADIAN REMIX) Klein & MBO TMT 12″
13 MIRROR MAN The Human League Virgin 12″
14 5 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
15 16 DO IT TO THE MUSIC Raw Silk KR 12″
16 24 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q Philly World 12″
17 STATE OF INDEPENDENCE Donna Summer Warner Bros 12″
18 SEXUAL HEALING Marvin Gaye CBS 12″
19 14 IN AND OUT Willie Hutch Motown 12″
20 BABY GETS HIGH Peter Brown US RCA 12″
21 15 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
22 9 DON’T YOU WANT MY LOVE Vera Canadian Matra 12″
23 SITUATION (REMIX) / (DUB VERSION) Yazoo US Sire 12″
24 MAGIC’S WAND Whodini Jive 12″
25 8 CALLING ALL BOYS / PASSION The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
26 KNOCK ME OUT Gary’s Gang Arista 12″
27 19 EVERYBODY Madonna US Sire 12″
28 23 I WILL FOLLOW HIM / WORK ME OVER Claudja Barry Canadian Lollipop 12″
29 25 THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE Yazoo Mute 12″
30 THUNDER & LIGHTNING Risque Dutch Polydor 12″
TW LW December 18th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 2 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls CBS 12″
2 1 IN THE NAME OF LOVE (REMIX) Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
3 3 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne Record Shack 12″
4 5 SHE HAS A WAY / BEAT BY BEAT Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
5 12 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION / CANADIAN REMIX) Klein & MBO TMT 12″
6 6 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
7 8 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″ / remix
8 7 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU Bobby O O’ 12″
9 9 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
10 10 I FEEL LOVE (MEGAMIX) Donna Summer Casablanca 12″
11 11 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
12 4 NEVER GIVE YOU UP / BEAT THE STREET Sharon Redd Prelude 12″
13 DER AMBOSS Visage German Polydor 12″ promo
14 13 MIRROR MAN The Human League Virgin 12″
15 14 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
16 LIVING ON THE CEILING Blancmange London 12″
17 15 DO IT TO THE MUSIC Raw Silk KR 12″
18 16 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q Philly World 12″
19 29 THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE Yazoo Mute 12″
20 30 THUNDER & LIGHTNING Risque Dutch Polydor 12″
21 23 SITUATION (REMIX) / (DUB VERSION) Yazoo US Sire 12″
22 22 DON’T YOU WANT MY LOVE Vera Canadian Matra 12″
23 24 MAGIC’S WAND Whodini Jive 12″
24 28 I WILL FOLLOW HIM / WORK ME OVER Claudja Barry Canadian Lollipop 12″
25 21 CAN HE FIND ANOTHER Double Discovery US Polydor 12″
26 25 CALLING ALL BOYS / PASSION The Flirts Canadian Unidisc 12″
27 19 IN AND OUT Willie Hutch Motown 12″
28 17 STATE OF INDEPENDENCE Donna Summer Warner Bros 12″
29 18 SEXUAL HEALING Marvin Gaye CBS 12″
30 (YOU SAID) YOU’D GIMME SOME MORE KC & The Sunshine Band Epic 12″
TW LW December 25th 1982 BOYSTOWN DISCO
1 1 IT’S RAINING MEN The Weather Girls CBS 12″
2 2 IN THE NAME OF LOVE (REMIX) Sharon Redd Canadian Prelude 12″
3 3 MEDLEY: I’M NOT IN LOVE / GIRL YOU’RE IN LOVE Scherrie Payne Record Shack 12″
4 4 SHE HAS A WAY / BEAT BY BEAT Bobby O US ‘O’ 12″
5 5 DIRTY TALK (USA CONNECTION / CANADIAN REMIX) Klein & MBO TMT 12″
6 10 I FEEL LOVE (MEGAMIX) Donna Summer Casablanca 12″
7 6 MIND WARP / TECH-NO-LOGICAL WORLD Patrick Cowley US Megatone LP
8 7 KEEP THE FIRE BURNING Gwen McCrae Atlantic 12″ / remix
9 DON’T STOP / BE WITH YOU Sylvester US Megatone LP
10 14 MIRROR MAN The Human League Virgin 12″
11 8 I’M SO HOT FOR YOU Bobby O O’ 12″
12 13 DER AMBOSS (INSTRUMENTAL REMIX) Visage German Polydor 12″
13 23 MAGIC’S WAND Whodini Jive 12″
14 19 THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE Yazoo Mute 12″
15 14 DIE HARD LOVER Loverde US Moby Dick 12″
16 16 LIVING ON THE CEILING Blancmange London 12″
17 9 DO YA WANNA FUNK Sylvester/Patrick Cowley London 12″
18 24 I WILL FOLLOW HIM / WORK ME OVER Claudja Barry Canadian Lollipop 12″
19 22 DON’T YOU WANT MY LOVE Vera Canadian Matra 12″
20 21 SITUATION (REMIX) / (DUB VERSION) Yazoo US Sire 12″
21 11 NATIVE LOVE (REMIX) Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
22 18 THE VOICE OF ‘Q’ Q Philly World 12″
23 SHOOT YOUR SHOT Divine Canadian Black Sun 12″
24 20 THUNDER & LIGHTNING Risque Dutch Polydor 12″
25 DAY AFTER DAY Margaret Reynolds US Moby Dick 12″
26 OVER AND OVER Reggie Simms Canadian PBI 12″
27 MASTER PIECE Gazebo Baby 12″
28 YOU ARE A DANGER Gary Low Canadian Quality 12″
29 COLLISION (REMIX) Sphinx Italian Systems Music 12″
30 WORKOUT / CALL ME TONIGHT (REMIX) Cerrone French Malligator LP

THERE BE NO LAWS UP THERE Y’KNOW…part two

Veggie burger with chips and salad was finally realised once I’d talked a kindly couple into shifting up on one of the long couches in the far room. I promised to bugger off once I’d finished my meal (and cuppa) so they politely ignored the smell that emanated from my clothes and trainers, and made way for the sweaty lad with no mates.

Luck would have it that another spot later appeared closer to the bar, enabling me to take a seat again and order frequent mugs of tea. I chatted briefly with an elderly Australian couple, half way through their coast-to-coast walk, but preferring accommodation up here instead of Keld. The noise and commotion proved eventually too much for them, so they retired to bed early (I’m not sure whether upstairs was the most quiet of places considering what was going on, but they would have at least had a bit of space to breathe). The two made way for a small group of most pleasant bikers (Roger not included) who were clearly looking forward to the main band of the evening – ‘Lanterns of the Lake’. There was a support band playing too, but few seemed interested in seeing whoever this lot were, which was a pity as the place was packed to the rafters and would have given me a bit of space too, and it was still too early for me to go to seek solace in bed for the evening.

Once the band – they did play at Glastonbury, honest – had taken stage in the barn to the rear of the Inn, the bar did finally quieten. I now had no company so out came Paddy Dillon again, and I read what he had to say about the next stretch of the walk into Middleton-in-Teesdale and beyond. I then made something of a mistake. Time for one last mug of tea. ‘A pot of tea’ I asked the scary looking bloke, cheerily. ‘What the bloody hell’ he retorted, and stormed into the kitchen. Had I upset him a tad? It turned out that my definition of ‘pot’ – Yorkshire, large mug – was at odds with his definition of ‘pot’ – large metal jug containing enough brew to satisfy a small army, and it was definition of ‘pot’ that I was about to receive. Had there not been others around then the contents of that pot might have been deposited over ones head. I had obviously not made a request agreeable with his current disposition. By this time, here was one thing that I was pretty clear about in my mind, and this was that should I encounter one of Tan Hill’s legendary spectre’s this evening, none would have scared me as much as this bloke. It is said that customers often smell tobacco smoke, all over the place – near the kitchen, outside the toilets, near the cellar and in a rear passageway. It has been suggested that this smoke may be connected with the story of three drovers who used to smoke heavily in the shelter of the pub’s walls several hundred years ago. Try it these days and top-dog lady I’d encountered outside would have their guts for garters.
tea

The pot (scary mans definition) of tea took an eternity to finish, something like four pots (my definition) from it, and it was obvious that I would be up several times during the night to have a pee. At eleven o’clock it was time to retire. I hoped to be able to sneak out of the bar without any attention (‘look at that dick leaving, do you know what he asked for…’) but my way was barred at the door by a small herd of sheep attempting to gain access to the bar. And they weren’t giving up either. It turns out they are regulars, and one of the most important tasks for visitors to Tan Hill is to give them their feed at regular intervals. Not me, not tonight, I needed some sleep. I climbed over the first two, fell over a third and bounced off another as I made my way, somewhat exasperated, to my tent.

That should have been it really. In a perfect world I would have had a great night’s sleep and no problem dropping off, but for a start it was now bloody cold up here – far colder than I’d anticipated – and there were other problems emerging. Even then, dressed in four or five layers and wrapped in foil blanket inside my most tiny bivvy tent, I still hadn’t accounted for the band, who could probably be heard all over Durham and Yorkshire, and if the wind was strongest enough, possibly in Scandinavia too. And there was another snag. The fact that I got to listen to ‘Lanterns of the Lake’ for free I could easily cope with, but with the aftermath I was severely unimpressed. Several tents full of over-exuberant teenagers dispersed themselves around the campsite and, being young and carefree, spent the rest of the evening generally sitting around, chilling, finishing their beer they had of course purchased at the bar, and making generally making merriment. Their conversation rarely rose above ‘x-factor’ level, and was, in the main, total gibberish. There were many tales consisting of who got off with who last week, and what one lad would love to do with one lass, if only another lad hadn’t already done the same thing to that lass the week before, and such like. ‘Welcome to middle age’, I reminded myself. As expected, several visits to the makeshift loo behind the rocks were needed (the ‘official’ ones were much too far away on a cold night like this), but despite my loudest and most severe ‘tuts’ in their general direction, my woeful protestations went unheeded and the youths continued their ways. This continued to first light, when they finally decided that it was time to sleep. After all, hey, they need not be up ‘til noon. Some of us grumpy old men were hoping to alight at first light.
bivvy

That and the fact that almost everyone who passed my tent managed to fall over the guy ropes, causing me much distress, added up to a pretty miserable night up here. It was therefore a very tired man who decided to have an extra hour in bed to compensate for those who had the cheek to enjoy themselves hours before.

The portable shower just about managed to force itself into action at 7am, and before long I was back in the bar looking forward to a hearty breakfast that would set me on my way. Slight problem, rock-hard-irate barman was taking orders and there seemed to be no vegetarian, cooked brekkie option. Should I enquire as to its availability? No chance. I bottled it and took the whole meaty brekkie option instead. While rock hard man was not looking I then gave my two sausages and rashers of bacon, and black pudding away to a couple of the bikers , who must have thought all their Christmases had come at once, and gobbled down what remained. That didn’t amount to very much.
I was about to finally depart, when there was a sudden kafuffle and rock hard lady with round glasses emerged from the kitchens. ‘Ok, who broke the fire doors in the bunkhouse early this morning. Tell me. Tell me NOW’ she thundered. I was convinced now that she could have been cast in a James Bond film as a lethal interrogator from SPECTRE. Nevertheless, I was impressed. Several of those who had slept in the bunkhouse put their hands up like frightened schoolchildren and blamed it on a group of gents who had left at 6am. Whether those gents really had committed such crime will never be known, but rock hard woman was satisfied with the answer and moved on, perhaps considering a ‘phone call to her acquaintances in Moscow who would track them down and inflict such harm as would have kept the late Ian Fleming most happy. Had I not learnt to be scared, very scared, of the staff up here I might have offered an explanation that the perpetrator of such crime could have been the ghost of a young lad who is said to also roam these rooms, wearing a brown jacket and shorts and who is purported to hang around in the bunk-rooms in particular. I chose silence instead.
Once everyone had been served (and it WAS chaos again), all breakfast diners were invited to applaud the kitchen staff for their fine efforts the previous evening. No-one dared refuse. At the same time it suddenly dawned on me who this lady could well have been a distant relation to. One of the best known and legendary incumbents up here was one Susan Peacock, a long serving licensee who ran the pub between the two World Wars. She was born in the pub and local legend has it that she is buried behind it. During her time here the inn was a pretty rough place and fisticuffs would often break out between the miners. Ms. Peacock, who was absolutely no push-over, is said to have kept a loaded pistol behind the bar for such occasions. It is not documented how many of those troublesome regulars received a bullet up the arse, but you can bet your bottom dollar that what happened between these walls stayed between these walls. How I wished I had called on her ghost to sort out those young concert goers last night.

It took me about seventeen seconds to pack the tent away and stuff it in my rucksack. It was time to go, leaving behind not only the inn itself, but the Yorkshire Dales National Park. I was at its northern-most extreme, having come an awful long way since Malham several days ago. I did consider making a right racket and throwing myself across the ropes holding up the tents occupied by young, sleeping concert-goers, but I didn’t want to have to explain myself to the staff if I got caught, and anyway if anyone had the right to punish them then Susan Peacock would have her way with them before they left. Tan Hill had been an experience I wouldn’t have missed for the world. I would love to go back when it is a little less busy, it’s a fantastic place, has survived some pretty grim times and I hope it is still there in another hundred years but I had to move on to my next port of call.

I never did check out that feather behind the bar, and will probably never get the chance now as just a few weeks after my visit it was stolen, allegedly by a group of rowdy gentlemen on a stag night. I don’t think they were Americans.

THERE BE NO LAWS UP THERE Y’KNOW…part one

anorak pennineA few years back I walked / ran / hobbled along the 280 odd mile Pennine Way in order to raise money for my ailing local footyball team. ‘Anorak on the Pennine Way’ was the result, and it is currently available on amazon kindle for something like £2.76. Here’s the first part of my epic one night stay at the fantastic Tan Hill Inn…

Chapter 7 – ‘There be no laws up there, y’know’

Half-way. I’m currently stood outside the Tan Hill Inn, high up on the border twixt North Yorkshire and Durham. This is not only, at 1732 ft/ 515m, said to be England’s highest pub (although one Cat & Fiddle in Derbyshire also claims that feat), it is also famous for being the site of Ted Moult’s famous Everest double glazing advert way back in the dim and distant 70s. Who remembers the famous feather test, whereby the farmer-cum-radio-cum-TV celebrity tested the workmanship on the brand new fitted windows up there? Well tonight I would really see for myself whether, as claimed, that feather was, as claimed, proudly displayed behind the very same bar. How exciting.

A bit of research prior to setting off on my voyage of discovery brought the promise that ‘Here you will receive one of the warmest and most friendly welcomes that you ever wish to find’. Well, at least their website promised that, so, with the afternoon drawing to a close, I strode expectantly through the former mine-workings on the edge of this bleak and exposed moorland towards said establishment, ignoring other reports that the place was also haunted, and really looking forward to that warm and friendly welcome I’d been so promised.

anorak tan
I had been forewarned that this was going to be a busy night, and that was looking like a pretty reliable presumption seeing that each and every parking space was filled with motor cars, whopping big bicycles, mobile homes and minibuses. Without checking the camping situation I shuffled in through the door to find an alehouse packed with bikers, concert goers, hikers and casual drinkers. Playing dumb, I requested accommodation for the evening from the kindly gentleman behind the bar, hoping that there would, after all, be some late cancellation and thus a room could be found for the weary traveller. Unfortunately back in the real world this would prove not to be the case, and a most polite arm gesture pointed me in the direction of the campsite around the back. But first, it emerged, I would have to part with £4, and for that I would receive a wrist band and access to said resting place for the evening.

Again, without checking my precise sleeping location for the evening, I settled down in the only spare table place at the inn and sampled one of their finest brews. Of tea, that is. One can never underestimate the therapeutic powers of a good cuppa after a long days walk. As the bar gradually reached heaving point it was soon time to pitch my tent for the night in a comfortable position somewhere on the camp-site. At last I would get the chance to see how rugged a traveller I really was up here in the middle of nowhere.

It emerged that there was a slight snag. There was not only no space at the inn, but also, it seemed, neither was there any to be had on the campsite. The big burly bikers were in much larger numbers than I’d realised, and in the small spaces between their huge constructions, were the much younger concert-goers waiting excitedly for their gig, in their smaller, but not inconsiderably sized tents too. After circling the entire site twice, trying not to look too much like a right idiot, I settled on a sloping spot just off the edge of the camp-site proper. Basically I had no choice but to settle down here because the next free space was probably as far away as Norway. This would have to do.

Again, without looking too much like an idiot, I unpacked the tent and erected it on the slope, about ten metres from the nearest all-mod-cons accommodation (one which in all probability really did contain all mod-cons, including a range of kitchen appliances and en-suite facilities) and decided that I might as well have a read of Paddy Dillon before going back into the bar for my next pot of tea. Slight problem, fading light, plummeting temperature, and, as a bivvy tent allows you not even space to sit up decided it was better to be indoors with the masses instead. Paddy could accompany me there in the comfort of indoor accommodation. But before I’d had chance to move out, there was a rustling and farting sound emanating from the adjacent tent, ‘What the dickens’ said the biker as he emerged from his high class accommodation to find the tiny, squat blue bivvy tent lurking next door.

It emerged that said biker wasn’t just a biker. Roger was also a retired teacher and wasn’t half as scary as I anticipated my near neighbour for the evening might be. If anything, he was a rather posh bloke. We chatted for a while about the same things I’d set to rights with the two Stuarts a couple of days earlier, had just about moved on to the ghostly spirits that are said to inhibit these parts when we were suddenly disturbed by the woman in charge of everything and anything Tan Hill. She was here to check wrist tags, but something else had caught her eye and she was not a happy woman; ‘Listen up guys and gals. You will not drink alcohol that has not been purchased here at Tan Hill. You will not. If I find you have I will find out and you will forfeit your right to sleep on this camp site’ she bellowed. ‘I will, I will find out’, she repeated before charging back indoors, thus concluding the warmest and most friendly welcome I could ever wish to have experienced.

Not even the hardest and most brave biker would have argued with her. I have no idea what her name was (although I do know from photos of the Inn that she wasn’t actually the landlady, who was possibly away for the weekend) but right now she was top dog up here. I had been warned beforehand that there were no laws up here, and it was plainly obvious that no laws other than hers would be necessary. She may only have been of average size and height, with rounded black spectacles looked more like a mature university student of militant type, but I was very afraid, and I only intended drinking tea all night!

Roger recoiled back into his tent (scared, obviously, but then he did have a substantial area in which to hide all manner of banned alcoholic liquors in there), while I made my way to the bar. It was far warmer, and there was by now a real chill in the air outside. It would have been a long, cold wait for the morning in the tent. Camping at the bottom of the hill is one thing, but pitching right at the top is a lot harsher than I had anticipated.

There was no sign of a menu inside, but upon query was told that a chalk-board full of tasty offerings would be appearing soon. Customers would then be invited to queue up and order their choices and at first glance it all seemed highly organised – except that it wasn’t really, it was in fact quite barmy in here. There was little or no order to any of the proceedings, bodies crammed into three or four semi-comfortable rooms, but there again there didn’t need to be any real order. This wasn’t a city centre wine bar or posh restaurant, this was the Tan Hill Inn. It may have been utterly chaotic in here, but there wasn’t the slightest hint of trouble or harsh words anywhere. Nobody expected order, I doubt whether many actually wanted it. All-in-all the ‘system’ up here worked.

I imagined what it must have been like in the distant past when the coal mines were in operation up here. There used to be a row of miners cottages adjacent to the Inn, but they are long gone. The current Inn dates from the 17th century, although there is evidence that there was one in the area a hundred years earlier. The last of the mines shut in 1929 but the introduction of the motor car and regular visits from the local farming fraternity ensured that Tan Hill Inn has survived the test of time. It was not hard to envisage that this place had seen wider nights than this, but for a first visit, this was wild enough for a bloke wanting a quiet night along the Pennine Way.

anorak lionel
So I took my place in the line. ‘Where are you sitting?’ I was asked by a scary looking bloke from behind the bar. Friendly looking bloke had been replaced. Yes, there would be no trouble up here, not with this lot in charge. Where was I sitting? Good question. I need a seat if I was going to get fed. I needed a seat if I was going to get my cuppa.

I think I need to explain at this point why I am so partial to a cuppa and not a nice pint of whatever beer is going. Well, it’s like this: The phrase ‘One drink I’m anybody’s, two I’m everybody’s, and three I’m nobody’s’ is something of an understatement when it comes to Rob Grillo. Following consumption of any amount of alcohol, no matter how small, I am unable to run, or do anything at even the remotest of speed for a good few hours after getting up the next morning. This has proved a great excuse following another DNF at some race or another, but this time I genuinely wanted to be off early, in fine fettle, the next day. I felt good enough again to attempt another huge day on the fells, so abstention was the only possible option this evening. And besides, I just love a reet strong cuppa.

ANORAK ON THE PENNINE WAY on kindle here:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00ECHGTUW

I SAW A JOLLY HUNTER……..

That’s the first line of a famous children’s poem by Charles Causley, which I would repeat in full here if I wasn’t infringing copyright. Basically, if you don’t know the poem, a fuckwitted hunter goes out to shoot a hare but holds his gun the wrong way ‘round and ends up shooting himself.

There were more hunters out on the moor this morning. Many of them in their wanna-be-SAS attire, all with guns cocked, twitching with excitement at the opportunity they hope they have of blowing the head off a wild animal.

‘Morning’, one of them chirped as I ran past, half way through my hours’ run across the moor. Of course he was being friendly, he was going to kill something today so he was in a jovial mood. What could be better.

grouse2
‘It was until I saw you morons on here’ I replied, ‘you sad, sad individual. Go and get a life’…

..and that was the end of the conversation as I continued on my way , leaving a perplexed looking moron stood there with his shiny gun in his hands, probably wondering why on earth I couldn’t share in his good mood on such a fine morning.

There were more of his type in each grouse butt, many with dogs. One sprightly spaniel approached me with it’s stumpy tail wagging away. He was dragged back by his moronic owner, ‘gerrrr ere, you’, he yelled at his unfortunate pet who only wanted to say hello. It seemed the dog’s sole purpose in life was to recover the carcass of the bird his owner had just shot, which was sad too, because, unaware to many of these hunters, they do actually make rather loving pets.

It was such a pity. It’s late October and the weather was unseasonably fine. The moors looked glorious in the bright sunlight and I could have spent all day running over them. Those people add nothing. I’ve already written on here about their odd reasoning, including the stupid reasons why they set traps (‘we can’t have vermin killing the birds up here because that would be wrong, we want to be the vermin that kill the wildlife instead’), and I’m certainly not alone in my condemnation of them. Unfortunately money talks, and as long as there’s money to be made by killing our wildlife then there will be those who find justification for it.